Each week I read the Sunday New York Times and quickly realize why the world is so screwed up. It seems there’s always at least one article classifiable as “what neurotic New Yorkers believe is a good idea.”
Two weeks ago the Times ran “Where Apps Become Child’s Play,” a dee-lightfully titled feature about how Fisher-Price was hard at work designing web applications for 6-month-olds. Yes, SIX-MONTH-olds. Because of course you’re never too young to jack into the matrix—the one that’s making us all so happy, personable, considerate, selfless, healthy, and kind. The one that’s keeping us so grounded in reality that we go into a movie theater and spray the audience with 4 different weapons. Yeah, let’s get the kiddos on board with that program, stat.
As the childless middle-ager, I try to maintain a civil tone with those of my friends still breeding. But I have to admit I lost it a bit when one posted a photo of her 2-year-old with his very own laptop. Presumably running his own dot.com startup when mommy wasn’t changing his diapers. I exclaimed some sort of guttural shriek or howl, followed shortly by a small internal tirade, “Why do we have to make them adults at the age of 2? Can’t children have their childhoods in peace anymore?!”
But apparently Fisher-Price, Hasbro, Crayola, LeapFrog, and all the other corporations champing at the bit to make money from your infant simply can’t wait that long. Infants are merely unexploited assets, like that beachfront property your pesky relatives refuse to sell to those well-intentioned developers.
And, come on, folks, we can do this! One Fisher-Price employee noted, “We see 6-month-olds batting at the screen, 9-month-olds swiping, and 12-month-olds pointing out objects to see.” So heck yeah, why not take advantage of the fact that their itty-bitty fingers have the physical capacity to execute these moves? Let's use it to make fat stacks from parents who know that their kids’ ability to perform such parlor tricks makes them exceptional in some way. And yes, entrepreneurs are getting rich off parents' egos. This week, the "genius baby industry" saw the exit of the Your Baby Can Read Company, due to the astonishing fact that...your baby can't read. Thousands of its customers were paying $200+ for a video that would ostensibly teach 3-month-olds to read. In the words of PT Barnum, a newborn's sucker of a parent is born every minute.
And the gloom gets even darker. In this business some folks are even selling apps to replace such patently nondigital acts as teething. The article quotes one such marketeer, Jason Root: “We used to talk about kids being the first generation of digital natives… Now we have a generation of newborns who are going to be weaned on touch devices.” Indeed. There’s even an iPad case that doubles as a teething toy. And coming soon, an Amazon Kindle that will give birth for you: 99-cent download, automatic upgrades.
Unfortunately, this ridiculousness seems to be catching on among parents—most likely the ones who believe that 2 weeks’ maternity leave is much too much (see below). According to the article, in the last year 3 million yahoos downloaded Fisher-Price’s Laugh & Learn apps for their weensy cybercitizens. By 2013, LeapFrog expects to have 325 apps at its online App Center--enough to keep your child unaware of the noncyber world from now till he loses his milk teeth.
Reporter Nicole LaPorte has created such a puff piece for Fisher-Price that nary a developmental psychologist was brought in to suggest anything to the contrary. A short graf from a lone pediatrician from Austin is the only voice of reason. “Infants learn best from real people and playing with real toys,” says Dr. Ari Brown, author of Baby 411. Really? How very…quaint.
Today the Times did it again (perhaps preparing for their "Creative Child Abandonment" supplement, on newsstands Sept. 1!), with the equally infuriating “Maternity Leave? It’s More Like a Pause.” Here, reporters Elissa Gootman and Catherine Saint Louis present a flock of new mothers who are soooo very important that they have barely even bothered to take time off around the births of their children. These workaholic nightmare mommies from hell seem to have no clue that bringing a human being into the world is anything more important than developing an app or closing a big deal. As one rationalizes, “I’m the CEO of a company. This ‘child’ depends on me to run, to exist, really.” How very special.
The parade of digital crack mommies continues with another Very Important Person who sent a doubtlessly Very Important email…when she was in labor.
Of course we’re not talking about blue-collar parents who actually can’t afford to take much time off. We’re talking about mothers who have big salaries and the means to afford an army of nannies and babysitters. Those who could easily take several years off, if their own egos weren’t telling them how the world would crumble without them. Let’s hope that in 6 months Fisher-Price has developed the “Children of Narcissists” app for their babies’ itty-bitty iPhones.
When you’re swimming in that river in Egypt, I guess you just keep paddling as the waters get deeper. One new mom, a software app founder, deems maternity leave “a false construct… in today’s fused world.” I wonder if her infant shares the sentiment, or is equally jejune in shrugging it off as fake and old-fashioned, in his delight at living in the “fused” world. While Gootman and Louis manage to present just the facts without judgment, publication in the Times suggests a sense of tacit approval. Wow, look at this rad idea: micro maternity leave! A trendy new way to deny our humanity and that of our children!
American Women have fought for decades to gain larger chunks of maternity leave than the measly 6-8 weeks routinely given in the US. This is less than in most other countries throughout the world. In Norway, new moms get 46-56 weeks (86% of salary paid), and the new dad is required to take 12 (paid) weeks away as well. Ah, enlightened Scandinavia! But in the US, only a few states are required to pay anything at all for maternity leave, a fact that not only carries an economic sanction, but also sends a crystal clear message that giving birth is little valued by the culture. Hey, why spend time bonding with your infant during its most critical time of life when you could be sending yet another text or email? Tweeting a profundity? Becoming a legend in your online mind?
We live in a sick country in which people voluntarily work themselves silly and are left with no sense about anything other than how to relate with technology. A country in which salary and ego mean more to some than cherishing their children. Where teachers often remark that their job today isn’t so much to teach as it is to parent.
The next time you're walking down the street and pass a mom chatting on her cell phone as she wheels a stroller, take a look at the expression on the ignored child's face. That kid doesn't need an app. That kid needs a parent.
Scenes of the crime:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/08/technology/in-a-fisher-price-lab-apps-are-childs-play-prototype.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/22/fashion/for-executive-women-is-maternity-leave-necessary.html?pagewanted=all
