I. August 2011
Today I sit in an air-conditioned, boxlike structure, near
the edge of a continent, waiting. On the opposite edge of the same continent, a
wall of water unleashes its fury on the city on whose contour I was raised.
Well-fed, a bit tipsy, lonely, I wait out the gale, wait wondering how the
storm will vent its spleen and where and when. This is the second time this
summer those I know and love have been evacuated due to natural disaster. The
Earth twitches as the dead rattle before succumbing, while two female politicos
talk drill, baby, drill and dismantling the EPA, and pretend they’re not women
who sustain life.
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| photo: Heidi Utz |
Last night I walked in Lithia Park and watched the Ashland
Creek shoot across the rocks in its twisty, curvy trajectory through the woods.
Stood on a bridge and looked out with a question on my lips…What will it be
like if I stay here? And what will it be if I go back to the desert? Divination
came in two eddies, side by side. The first, for staying, was black and flat,
with nearly no movement the eye could see. The second, for going, was a gentle
circular swim—not a whirlpool or anything close to dramatic, just a foamy,
leaf-flecked swirl in the same direction, over and over again. Both seemed like
little circles of bathwater, set aside from the main current which seemed to
fly. This, something told me, is the current of much of the world. In living
here, in this isolated valley, you are set aside, a protected observer.
I walked further through the woods still unsettled, as I
could feel a pressure in my body, the foreboding of a wall of water about to
upend mile after mile of concrete barriers mortals had placed against her.
Waves of a planet that had withstood so much for so long, finally exploding in
fury… And soon I heard water splashing loudly, as if dammed and released,
dammed and released. Charging through a pipe into the creek.
Thirty-one summers ago, my mom and I sat on the shore of a
barrier island, where the waves landed gently inches from our beach chairs, and
we read long novels and allowed the water to hypnotize us day after day. The
small stores that sold plastic rafts and pails and colorful long towels and
suntan lotion felt like innocence. And sometimes I did not know if this was her
last summer walking barefoot in the wet sand. But I knew that whatever
happened, the land beneath us would not waver. That the shore in Jersey would
always remain, year after year, a place of unique identity, escape, a reliable
spot to see fishing boats and dirty seagulls and blue sea glass with soft
rounded edges.
II.
The storm ducks and weaves through territory I know, the
place of my birth, the province of my ancestors, my father’s home now, the
dwelling place of friends and former lovers, the streets I’ve walked, the
skyscrapers my great-cousin the architect once built. It’s a hot clear day in
Oregon, nearly 100, hardly a cloud in the blue sky, a light breeze. I stand in
a graveyard ready to harvest blackberries in a spot my love once showed me. I feel
more than 3,000 miles from the East as I walk past a pristine duck pond and the
residents honk and squawk. The berries are still not quite ripe, sitting red
and green and grey in tiny clumps on the vine. Last year this time they were
plumper, blacker, and more ready. But spring came late and the whole cycle of
nature is thrown off. I walk back up the steep hill to where the graves are.
See a stone marked “NOBODY,” with a birthdate in March 1981. Another, more
sculpted white stone has no name, but a curved sliver removed: “Passing
through.”
When I left my mother in
her human form, she was in a small, medicine-green room on Manhattan’s Upper
East Side. Waiting for a wall of water to carry her war-torn body to higher
ground. I stood vigil and could feel her readiness and fear of leaving, the
stillness of a life ratcheted down to just its essential operations: breathing,
moving blood through small channels, the barely perceptible throbs within organ
tissues. A storm that had come to her nine years prior, with black-shrouded
visions of apocalypse she gave no quarter. Came as a notice to evacuate, leave
her earth-body as a shell, give in to the inevitable. She waved it on as one
refusing when all the sheriffs and mayors and official mandates told her she
could not stay. And for nine years she sat in her attic ducking waters that
kept rising and holding her ground, even when the house was marked “occupants
dead.”
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| photo: caphotosnewyork, Carlos Ayala |
III. Bloomberg has ordered the evacuation of hundreds of
thousands, and the city that never sleeps has no mass transit, no flights
coming or going, no exit routes for thousands sitting waiting in its five
boroughs. The streets are empty, subways stopped. Nine are dead. Two million
have no power. The rest have no agency. Irene brings tide like no New Yorker
has ever seen to its jaded doorstep, commanding respect from even the most
cynical. The island is surrounded on every side with water, a fact so easily
ignored when you are walking beside a thousand others on their ways to work and
play at 8 or 10 or midnight. In a place so given over to the human-made, nature
is the animals in the Bronx zoo on a class trip or a skinny sapling tied to a
stake with a length of rubber hose every six blocks. Taxi tires may swoosh in a
rainstorm, lightning may crackle in a summer sky. Other than that, it’s
entirely the man-created world, reminding you of your sinew, your strength,
your engineering prowess…at least for a couple hundred years of history. You
drive a mile through a tunnel barely remembering that on the other side of that
concrete wall is the entire force of the Atlantic Ocean. You travel through it,
dry and unscathed, forgetting you are surrounded by sea. Without reminders of
your guest status in nature, leaving your primacy in the land human made feels
silly and even annoying. How could anything so ridiculous as “nature” threaten
these massive 100-story monoliths? How could the splashes of water even touch
what all-powerful beings have so carefully constructed? A hurricane? Just
another show. We’ll stay home and watch it on our flatscreen TVs, drink beer,
light candles. Have a little party. Hey, Irene, show us whatcha got. And get
the fuck outta here by tomorrow because this nature shit is a real pain in the
ass.
IV.
My favorite photo of my grandmother shows her standing on
the beach, Avon-by-the-Sea, wearing ballet shoes, one pointed toward the water.
She is in her sixties, sporting cat-eye glasses, smiling wistfully toward the
ocean. Even when she was a girl, growing up in Paterson in the early part of
the last century, nature and NJ did not often intersect. They sat in different
corners of the boxing ring, and usually man came out swinging, while nature
cowered and ducked blows. The century was being industrialized and we were
winning, triumphing OVER and ABOVE. It was a match, and we were so frequently
(albeit ostensibly) victors. Harnessing power of rushing waters. My grandmother
and her father and sisters and brothers worked in a mill on the Great Falls
using the seas of the Atlantic to make fine silk for the world. My grandmother,
a soft, sensible, sweet, and very smart woman, did not see the harm in the
illusion of control over—if it crossed her mind at all.
As churchgoing and
God-loving as she was, nothing told her that the natural world was not ours to
use. Her way was the way of all early-20th-century city dwellers.
When you don’t live in a forest, it’s hard to feel the heartbeat of a tree
pulsing through its rings. When there are modernity and Machine Age notions of progress to cater to,
those that live and breathe become merely resources.
V. January 2013
I sit behind a wall in a sad, loutish city. It’s winter; the
five strands of green in the yard are dead. Drought makes the desert even drier
than I’d remembered it, the spirit much more gristly and insular. If you want
water here, you need to walk where the earth opens up. In Santa Fe it’s deemed acequia; here it’s just “the ditch.” Under the ugly brown
mountain, there are few poets, and the remnants of indigenous identity are
discarded somewhere near the confluence of routes 25 and 40. I leave my house
seldom because there’s little I’m connected to outside and no one wants to
talk, really. They text my avatar and I hit Ignore. People live in condos and
shop at Walmart and work for the military-industrial complex or Taco Bell. They get
lost in their adobe and concrete microcosms, in their screens and phones, and
forget to glance up at the edges of sky and points of stars. When you walk the
streets, no one will risk eye contact because you are nondigital and therefore
suspect. They mostly look at themselves, and more importantly, themselves.
Last fall, the hurricane of the year before was superseded
by an even greater behemoth, one whose wreckage still litters the Jersey
shoreline. The patch of coast from which my mom and I surveyed the horizon has
washed away. The beach houses we rented each summer, the restaurants we
frequented, the pier we played on, all of it, gone. Thousands have been
homeless all winter, freezing in tents while Congress equivocates. Twelve-foot waves subsumed everything, pressing southern
coastal NJ into memory and memory alone. We are told that this is the way it’s
going to be from now on, that the storms will get bigger, the waves mightier
and more arrogant, the damage more incalculable—as if incalculability had
degrees.
Here in the middle, we die a different death, death of
desiccation, of poverty, of people who lack nature and nature that lacks
respect. And into this standoff America brings anger and guns, decides that
kids are acceptable victims, and vents the collective spleen through bullets
and displays of madness and hubris we’ve been told is “our right.” Our children
sit in lockdown as our oceans take our homes. And the politicians tell us
nothing’s wrong. It’s all as it should be. And in a sense, they’re right. As
every reaction demands an equal and opposite reaction, we stand in the path of
a balance coming due. As it should be. And despite making baboon-like shows of macho bluster, the AK-47s and overamped testosterone, there is nothing left for us to do but wait in absolute vulnerability for that which will inevitably carry us back into the stream.